Solitude
by Athena465
Summary: Deeks is away on assignment and Kensi is drowning in her solitude. Nell and the team step in to coax her through until Deeks comes home. The longer he is gone the more she reverts back to who she used to be before a Shaggy detective came into her life, can the team keep her safe from the bad guys and from herself? Not as dark as it sounds, there will be laughs and tears both
1. Solitude

**Okay here is the deal, this started out as a one shot and with a completely different idea in mind, but my mind took it somewhere else and I loved where it was headed so I kept writing. Also I love playing with the idea of Deeks undercover and Kensi…well her moping. **

**Not sure where this story is headed, and I should probably focus on my other stories but sometime you just need a change in perspective for new ideas. **

**And if I do continue with this story I have the desire to show a strong Nell and Kensi friendship.**

**Enjoy, and sadly I do not own anything.**

**Solitude**

Chapter 1?

**Nell's P.O.V**

Eric and I are sitting in the bullpen with the team; we are all engaged in some form of conversation except Kensi. She has been awfully quiet since Deeks went undercover two months ago, But when Hetty called Kensi into her office last week she came back more withdrawn then before. I could tell that the female agent was thinking hard about something, like she had a problem that she just couldn't find the answer to. She was fidgety and often lost in thought, the tough as nails agent only came out in the field. As soon as the clock hit six Kensi was up and out the door every day for the last week.

"Okay she has done that every day for the past week." Callen said watching the retreating form that was Kensi. "I wonder what Hetty talked to her about last week."

"Well I can venture a guess that it is about Deeks." Sam said turning back to us. "I think that we should go and check up on her." Sam said turning to all of us.

"I think that we should," I said turning their attention to me. "But we should do so gently if we wish to live," I say with a smile. "Just because her partner is not here doesn't mean she can't and will kick all of our asses into next week."

Callen nodded in consent. "Alright, how about we meet up at her place in two hours, I will bring beer Sam can bring pizza. She needs the company."

"Wait why am I the one buying the food G?" Sam asked in mock irritation causing the team leader to smirk as he threw his bag over his shoulder. I watch as the senior partners disappear towards the parking garage.

"So what do you think is going on with Kensi?" Eric asks. "I mean other than Deeks you know her better than the rest of us." I chuckle and look over at my partner.

"What about Hetty?"

"Well that just goes without saying." He said making me laugh before growing serious.

"She's worried, scared, sad… reserved."

"Yea, it is almost like she has reverted back to the Kensi before Deeks." He says. And I realize I came here after Deeks, I have no clue as to how the old her acted, Eric must have sensed my internal question because he answered. "She was hard headed, always wanting to charge in guns blazing. She had no sense of personal safety, it was like she had nothing to live for. There were cases where I was actually afraid that we wouldn't be able to save her. Then at the end of the day she left to be in solitude."

"She really has changed." I whisper.

"Yea, now she has him, he gives her a reason to live, to think about her own safety, it's made my job a lot easier." He laughs.

I look over at Kensi's usually cluttered desk, it was now almost pristine, and a testament to how much Deeks being gone has affected her. "Alright we better prepare ourselves for Kensi's wrath when we show up at her door unannounced." I say as I stand up from the couch.

"Hey Nell," I turn around at Eric's voice. "You know her, do you know how she feels? I mean we all know because this last month has confirmed it but… has she actually come out and said it?"

I run my hand through my hair as I thought back to the night after Kensi's first day back in the field.

_I was in my apartment, cleaning up the flour I had spilt from making cookies. Baking always reminded me of home and my mom. It was a nice feeling amidst all the pain of the last year from Sam and Deeks' torture to Kensi being shipped off. Yes thankfully everyone was safe but there was an air of tension between Kensi and Deeks yesterday and today. I was torn from my thoughts at the banging on my door. _

_ I grabbed my gun and peeked through my curtains. And what I saw was definitely not what I was expecting. Opening the door I came face to face with one drunk Kensi Blye. "Nell!" she said cheerfully as she stumbled into my apartment. "Ooh it smells good." She said as she swayed and took another swig from a bottle in her hand._

_ "Kensi, what are you drinking." I had to stop myself from laughing at the put on her face as she raised the bottle to eye level._

_ "I don't know, I do know that I had tequila at some point." She slurred. I walked up to her and tried to pry the bottle from her hand but she had an iron grip on it so I raised her arm instead._

_ Whiskey. "Oh Kens, this is not how to deal with what happened in Afghanistan." I say sadly as Kensi took another swig._

_ She looked confused as she walked over to the couch and sat down, without any sense of grace what so ever. "Afghanistan? I am not drinking because of Afghanistan." She hiccupped with what I think was supposed to be venom laced into her tone._

_ I walk over and sit next to her. "Then… why are you drinking?" A flash of anger speared through her eyes._

_ "What I can't enjoy a good drink every now and then." She spat. "I should be able to without Hetty on my back. I mean I can't tell anyone outside work my real name, I lie on a daily basis to my own mother, he doesn't want me, I can't love him because I get shipped off like a freaking puppet. So I can damn well drink if my heart desires to drink." She said angrily as she took another long drink from the bottle of amber liquid._

_ "Kensi, what are you talking about?" I whisper not wanting her anger directed at me._

_ "Tonight he…" she took a drink. "We made love the night before I was shipped off." Another drink, a lone tear, "He told me he was falling in love with me." Another drink, another tear, "He said he would be patient." Another tear, another drink, another hiccup, "He just broke up with me in the bullpen." Another tear, and a quiet sob of heartbreak. I take in all of this information, the relationship that was Kensi and Deeks was an eternal mystery to everyone._

_ I move next to her and wrap my arms around her as she lets the empty bottle hit the floor. "What happened?" I ask as her shoulders shake silently. I have to admit, I am a little scared I have never seen the female agent so… distraught before in a private setting. She surprised me again when she buried her head in my neck and clung to me, like she was afraid I would leave too. "What happened, Kens?"_

_ She pulled away and moved to stand, angrily wiping away her tears. "What happened was that that self-centered, playboy made me fall in love with him against my will! I never asked to feel like this," she turned her polychrome eyes to me, they were filled with so much emotion, more than I had ever seen and one stood out; pain. "I tried so hard," she whispered. "I tried to hard not to love him, but I couldn't stop it." she said staring me in the eye. "I just want the pain to be gone."_

_ "Kensi, drinking is not the solution… you have to talk to him because I highly doubt that he broke up with you…" _

_ "I'm not enough," she shrugged._

_ I had never seen Kensi this way. She was strong independent, didn't need anybody, but tonight I saw the version of herself that she hides from the world; the her that was insecure and scared._

_ "Don't say that Kensi, you are more than enough. That man loves you, I highly doubt he stopped." She shook her head._

_ "I really, really hate frozen lakes and knives, and boxes, and raccoons…" she rambles quietly. "And third hearts." Another tear slides down her cheeks. _

_ "What?" I ask thinking she was going a bit insane._

_ "Our fabulous communication skills at work," she says disdainfully as she sat down again. "Nell I'm so tired." She whispered. "I just want to be happy, don't I deserve to be happy?" she asks me, her voice pleading._

_ "Kensi, I have never met someone more deserving of happiness than the two of you. so instead of drowning in a bottle of tequila and whiskey fight." She cocks her head to the side in question, the gesture much like the man who holds her fragile heart. "Fight for him. Kensi he didn't stop loving you, he was miserable while you were gone, but something spooked him, you have to fight him, show him that you are not going anywhere. You two have seemingly switched roles." I say with a bit of anger in my tone. _

_ Her head is still cocked as she looks at me, the tears gone, and a new fire burning in her eyes; hope and determination. "It's a love story." She mutters._

_ "What?" I say with a smile but she merely shakes her head. Clearly that is just another piece to the complex nature that is Kensi and Deeks. "Now lay down because you are going to have a KILLER headache tomorrow." I say when I seen her eyelids drooping._

_ The next morning I wake up to find Kensi munching on the cookies I made last night and a bottle of aspirin next to a cup of coffee. She looks deep in thought and well hung over. When she looks at me she smiles and hands me a mug of coffee and a cookie. "Thank you." _

_ "For what?"_

_ "Listening to my drunken rant about Deeks, and I am going to do what you said, I'm going to fight for him because I am in love with him."_

"Nell?...Nell?" I am brought back to the present as Eric waves his hand in front of my face.

"What?"

"You never answered my question; did she ever say she had feelings for Deeks?"

"Yes." I say sadly and simply as I turn and walk away.

**So, leave as a one shot or continue…..leave a lovely review if you so desire :)**


	2. One Night Will Never Be Enough

**I must say, the amount of wonderful reviews for this story and all my others have touched me deeply. I love all of my readers and I hope you continue to read this story and my others and any I write later on. **

**One guest review by Joy… wow your review touched me on a profound level, I am so glad you love reading this as much as I do writing it. **

**I know there are times where some characters in my stories are a bit OOC but sometimes the façade just doesn't work anymore. **

**One Night Will Never Be Enough**

Chapter 2

**Nell's P.O.V**

I head over to Kensi's about an hour before the guys planned to show up just to give Kensi a bit of a warning, because I know that the only one who can get away with an unannounced visit is Deeks. As I pull into her driveway I sit there for a minute and watch the soft glow of her tv play on the curtains. Taking a deep breath (Hopefully it is not my last) and push myself out of the car and up the steps to her front door. I stand there and knock for several minutes but either she is ignoring me, which is highly plausible, or she is asleep.

So I test the handle which to my surprise is unlock, and push my way in.

Now I can definitely say that since working at OSP with Hetty's Alpha team has taught me to become accustomed to surprises but when I walk into Kensi's CLEAN….not SPOTLESS apartment I can't help but stop in my tracks with my mouth wide open in complete and utter shock. Kensi's entire apartment, top to bottom, is spotless.

I am ripped out of my trance when I hear glass shattering in the kitchen and an angry scream. I rush forward with my hand on my gun, but relax, if you can call it relaxing, as soon as I see Kensi. Her back is to me and her chest heaving from what I can only guess is anger.

"What do you want Nell." She growls. How the hell did she even know I was here? I ask myself.

"Ummm… I wanted to stop by and warn you that the guys are coming over." She whirls so fast that she looks like she belongs in a shampoo commercial, and if her eyes were shooting daggers at me I probably would have laughed.

"No. I do not want to see anyone."

"Why? Kensi we are worried. So what is they want to come over." I say timidly.

"No. this is my home, where I can be angry at LAPD, and throw beer bottles at my wall." She points to the opposite wall, brown liquid was running down to the floor. "At work I have to be silent, numb. I just want to be alone, is that too much to ask?" she growls while throwing her arms up in frustration.

Her eyes never leave mine. "I will call them and tell them to stay away but on one condition…" she cocks her head to the side. "I stay."

"Nell…"

"I stay," I say firmly. "Come one Kensi, you can talk to me, that is what girlfriends are for, right." I say hoping she will take me up on my offer.

"Fine." She bites as she grabs another beer. "But I can drink all the damn alcohol I want and you can't say a thing."

I hold my hands up in surrender as I back up towards the front door. "Of course, I will just call them."

I step out onto the front porch as I pull out my phone and dial Callen's number. "Callen,"

"Hey Callen, ummmmm….Listen, I don't think it is wise for you to come over." I say looking back at the closed door; I can almost feel the anger through the wood.

"What? Why?"

I walk further away from the door and speak quietly. "She was fuming when I got here, and I had to bargain with her just so that I could stay."

I hear G sigh and relay my message to Sam and Eric. "Alright, is she okay at least?"

"Honestly… I don't know. She is angry, but I can see that she is hurting," I sigh. "Her words were, she has to be numb at work, and at home she can be angry without eyes on her."

"So it is worse than we thought huh? Damn it, Deeks better be back soon."

"Yea, look I'm going to go, I don't want Kensi changing her mind about me being here." I say walking back up the steps.

"Of course, take care of her Nell."

Back inside I walk back into the kitchen and see Kensi lost in thought leaning against the counter. "Hey." I say quietly, but she doesn't hear me.

"I really suck at being patient." She murmurs shaking her head.

"Kens, are the two of you… together?" she looks up then with profound sadness and pain.

"No," she whispers. "But damn it I wish we were." She shrugs her shoulders as she takes a shuttering breath. The anger from earlier is all but gone, the new beer sat forgotten at her side as she stares out the window. "I just wish he was home Nell." She whispers.

"We all do. What did Hetty talk to you about last week?" I ask as I pull out ingredients to make some cookies. Since the night she came over drunk whenever we got together for a girls night I made some. I knew that she would never say it but they helped calm her.

"That what was supposed to be a four month undercover job is now almost a year." I stop and turn to look at her, her shoulders were slumped and head hung low.

"Kensi?" she looks up. "As soon as I get into work tomorrow I will look into his case, see if there isn't something in there that can move this along faster."

"Nell…Thank you." I simply nod as I pull out bowls and set about getting the cookies ready.

"Do not thank me, I am your friend and I hate seeing you so sad. And while I might not miss him as much as you do, I still miss him and his jokes."

"Before he left he stopped by to tell me, Nell he looked so sad, and he just hugged me and told me over and over that he didn't want to go, that he wasn't leaving me. I mean the man is going undercover and he is worried about me…"

"That is what love is Kensi."

"I know but at the same time I don't. When Jack was deployed he was so worried that he wouldn't come back that he never spared me a second thought, I didn't think anything of it at the time but looking back I realize how… plain that relationship was. I mean I am not in a relationship with Deeks but has always been… I don't know…

"Special, loving, uncommon…. Unique?" I supply but she shakes her head.

"Consuming, powerful…euphoric… addictive… I'm addicted to him, one night will never be enough and the thought that he might not come home and I will never taste that again… Nell that scares me." She says as she moves to sit on the counter, swinging her legs, the movement reminding me of a young child talking about her first crush, but this was something so much more.

"I'm not going to pretend to know what you are talking about because I have never felt what you are feeling but I do know that shutting all of us out will only make matters worse." I say as I roll the cookie dough out and place them on a sheet pan.

"I'm not shutting everyone out," she says as she takes a few chocolate chips and tosses them into her mouth. "You are here are you not?" I can tell that she is trying to lighten the mood but her voice falls flat, almost like she is becoming numb again.

"That is not what I mean Kens, everyone is worried, and we have every right." I say with a bit of anger in my tone. "I'm worried about my best friend Kens, I've been worried about you since the night you showed up at my door piss drunk." I say turning to her. ever since that night we got together nearly every week, I would make cookies and talk about my family and Kensi would talk about her mother and Deeks.

"I can't help it Nell. Deeks told me that it is a defense mechanism, and I was working on it with the two of you but now with him gone…" she shrugs. "It's hard without him, and he doesn't understand that I'm hurting ever since the whole Angelo fiasco. I would rather go through Afghanistan again than have him slide my knife across the table again."

I slide the cookies into her barely used oven and set the timer before I move to sit next to her on the counter. "You know you never told me about the night before you were shipped off to Afghanistan." I say as I bump her shoulder gently.

I small intimate smile spreads across her face as she places a hand on her chest. "Why Nell, that is a very scandalous question, asking me about my bed partner." She says playfully.

"Oh come on, indulge your best friend, how was it."

The playfulness is gone and replaced but a wistful smile. "Amazing, it was euphoric."

"I would bet, with what 4, 5 years of sexual tension brewing. I mean the whole building knew it was going to happen eventually, the tension was like an electrical storm swirling around the two of you. I think that Callen was about ready to lock the both of you in the burn room." I say, and she laughs, the real Blye laugh that has been absent for two months.

"I didn't know it was that obvious," I snort causing her to smile. "But your right, the trust and the… and the love is what made it so addictive. One night will never be enough Nell."

"It never is." I say solemnly.

**Leave a lovely review if you so desire and if you have any ideas feel free to let me know.**


	3. You Can Cry

**Again I just want to thank everyone, the response to this story is overwhelming and it means a lot to me. These reviews are what prompt me to keep writing.**

**Here we have another chapter highlighting a very deep friendship between Kensi and Nell. The rest of the team will also be coming up as well in the next few chapters.**

**All mistakes are my own. Enjoy, sadly I do not own anything.**

**You Can Cry**

Chapter 3

**Nell's P.O.V**

Hours after the cookies were gone and Kensi passed out in her room and me on the couch a noise woke me up. I should learn that sleeping on Kensi's couch is an awful experience. I blindly reach for my phone and make that mistake everyone makes of turning on a bright screen in the pitch black.

"Ah shit." I whisper as I look at the time. 3:45 am…. Good lord. I sit up when I hear another noise, unable to pinpoint where it is coming from I reach slowly for my gun. I stand up and clear the kitchen and guest room and bathroom, and that left Kensi's room. I stand outside for a few minutes and when I hear nothing I start to walk back to the couch when Kensi's voice stops me cold; "_Deeks, please."_ It wasn't a scream but a whisper, barely distinguishable through the cracked door.

But it doesn't stay calm, as I peak my head in slowly and see the female agents face in a deep scowl, her skin glossy from sweat, and her chest heaving. I walk over to the bed and set my gun on the night stand. It was then that I saw a picture from a much happier time in OSP; before the sub, before Afghanistan, before Sidorov.

The picture was of Kensi and Deeks from last year, not long before shit hit the proverbial fan, the setting was a bar and Deeks had thrown his arm over Kensi's shoulder. He was whispering something in her ear that brought a big smile on her face. And if you studied the photo long enough you could see the desire in Kensi's eyes, the way she was slightly leaned towards him, her one brown eye darker, nearly matching the black one; all unconscious and uncontrollable but still there.

"No," Kensi whispered brokenly, tearing me from my thoughts.

"Kens, you gotta wake up, its only a dream." I say as I lightly touch her shoulder. Past experiences have taught me that you have to coax Kensi awake if you don't desire a black eye that you have to explain to everyone….

_It's been months since anyone, even Kensi has seen or heard from Deeks, months since the torture, and months since Sam's returned. _

_ And here I found myself standing at Kensi's door, knowing that she needed some girl talk but would never ask for it when it concerns Deeks. I knock several times and when I am ready to give up and go home the sound of the door unlocking reaches my ears. She doesn't open the door, doesn't speak, just twists the knob to let me know that I am invited in._

_ The apartment is dark save for the glow of the TV but that is enough to highlight Kensi's red, puffy eyes and she sits on the couch staring vacantly and impassively. This is all knew to me, I mean we would hang out outside of work, but never had I been in Kensi's apartment, never had we been best girlfriends, but something in the back of my mind was telling me that tonight would change that._

_ "I'm sorry Deeks….. Please do not leave….." she whimpers her hands grabbing at the sheets._

_ "Kensi wake up." I order yet nothing, then everything I thought I knew about the tough as nails agent is tossed out the window._

_ "No! Don't touch him! Deeks!" now she is screaming, her head thrashing from side to side in a violent manner. "Don't touch him," she growls in a threatening tone._

_ I throw caution out the window, a black eye is nothing compared to what she must be going through, unable to escape. I place both hands on her shoulders and shake her roughly, "Agent Blye, wake up…" nothing just more whimpers and growls of anger. "Kensi Marie Blye WAKE UP!" I yell._

_ I jump back slightly as she bolts up and thrusts her arm out, her elbow connecting just hard enough to leave a shiner. In the blink of an eye she is up and running to the bathroom. I stand there in confusion until I hear Kensi retching into the toilet. I quickly run into her bathroom and grab her hair and rub her back._

_ "It's okay Kensi, it was just a dream." I whisper as she continues to throw up. I feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes and a slight throbbing on my left cheek._

I think at how much being apart from Deeks back then hurt Kensi, so I had no clue to how bad it would be now; after they had become more than partners, now that the Thing between them was acknowledged. "Kensi come one wake up." I say in a hard tone.

Instead of bolting awake she comes to slowly and reaches out to the left side of the bed, I can see the moment she realizes that Deeks is not here. As she turns her polychrome eyes to me I see the tears well up. All night she hadn't shed a single tear and the dream and cold sheets were enough to crack the damn. I watched as she tried gallantly to hold her tears back.

She puts her arm over her eyes but I can still see her trying to repair these walls. I sit on the edge of her bed and move her arm. "It's alright Kensi, you can cry." I say, my voice cracking at the end as I hold her hand.

As she cried I think back to how different my friendship with Kensi has become over the last year. Before Kensi never would have cried in front of me, hell I had never been in her apartment, our nights always ended up at my place. I knew that it was because she like her place away from work, and that Deeks was the only one willingly allowed there. But since the night she gave me that black eye Kensi has opened up more and more to me, and it is something that I do not take for granted.

Now I know that I will never know Kensi the way Deeks does, but that doesn't mean that this isn't something I cherish. I've heard the stories that the guys talk about when Deeks and Kensi aren't around. She was pleasant enough, loyal but no one really knew Kensi, they all knew Agent Blye.

Agent Blye, she was strong, and loyal but guarded. Kensi Blye was fragile and scared of her own emotions, and deeply in love with a man. And that man needed to get his scruffy ass back home and fix this. ever since the night she showed up at my door piss drunk, Kensi has been a complete mess of emotions, always at home, and sometimes at work; like the day she head butted Talia…. Even I had to say something about that, I mean a head butt? That is just begging for a headache.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Kensi says, he voice hoarse from sleep and crying.

"It's fine Kens," I say as she sits up next to me. That's when I notice her shirt. She sees me looking at the LAPD logo and laughs quietly.

"He accused me of stealing his shirt, so naturally I lied and told him I shot it to put it out of its misery. I think he knew, I mean I never could lie to that man." She looks down fiddling with her shirt.

"What was the dream about?" she shakes her head and sighs.

"He was tied to that damn chair again, but we um…" I grab her hand again and squeeze letting her know that I was here for her. "We were to late." A single tear trails down her cheeks.

No more words are muttered that night as Kensi lays back down and I get up and go back to the couch, to tired to drive across town to my own apartment. I mentally remind myself that tomorrow I will look into Deeks' case file and see if there isn't anything that we can't do to push along his assignment.

Yes the team needed Deeks, the jokester that reminded all of us to smile, but for Kensi. She was slipping further and further into her solitude and there is only so much a friend can do…maybe if everyone reminded her that we are still here, we can keep her from the brink long enough, at least until the Shaggy detective returned.

**Leave a lovely review on your way out, they are appreciated**

**-A. Grayson **


	4. She's Silently Hurting

**Here is another chapter; this story is on a roll. In this chapter I couldn't help throw in a little bit of Nallen this chapter, and possibly future chapters, but this story revolves around Kensi and Deeks.**

**Once again I can't tell you how awesome it is reading your reviews, they make me feel proud of my writing and lets me know that you guys are loving reading this as much as I am writing it for you.**

**All mistakes are my own.**

**Enjoy!**

**She's Silently Hurting**

Chapter 4

**Nell's P.O.V**

I get up early the next morning and turn Kensi's coffee pot on and leave a note letting her know I left early. This was something I remember Deeks telling I needed to do if I ever left before Kensi was awake, he told me when he first learn that me a Kensi's friendship was growing. I watched as he told me, that rationally she knew, but it helped emotionally.

The way he spoke, was not like she was an emotionally unstable person, but protective and loving. So I followed his advice every time I left her place early.

I take one last look at the spotless apartment before I shut the door and head to my car. It takes me an hour to get home, shower, and change then drive to OSP. The old Spanish style Mission was my home away from home. Looking at the parking lot I see that besides Kensi everyone is here. I quickly make my way inside and into the bullpen.

"Nell how did it go?" Callen asks immediately as he stands up and moves to the front of his desk. Sam looks up and leans forward, both men extremely worried about their little sister.

"She's hurting," I say sadly. "I had to wake her up from a nightmare early this morning, but you know it is bad when she not only cleans her desk," I say pointing to the clean wood desk. "But also cleans her entire apartment. I mean the place is freaking spotless."

On any other day we probably would have laughed because, Kensi Blye doesn't clean, ever. But today we stand in silence pondering just what this meant about the young female agent. Sam is now leaning back in his chair facing Deeks' desk, his mind lost in his thoughts. Callen is staring at me with his piercing blue eyes, sharper than Deeks'. Callen sighs as he runs his hand down his face.

"This isn't good." He says quietly.

"No it is not. Look, I am not about to betray Kensi's trust by telling you her secrets, but she has been hurting since Afghanistan, but it wasn't about what happened to her over there."

"It's about Deeks." Sam states.

"I think, the best way to keep her safe is to remind her that we are all here for her, and that on some level we all understand. But we have to do it gently or…"

"Or she will think that we are suffocating her, babying her." Callen finishes. "And that doesn't bode well to piss Kensi off." He laughs causing all of us to chuckle.

"Alright, I'm going to go talk to Eric and then look into Deeks' case for the two of them." I say as I make my way upstairs, all the way I feel those piercing blue eyes following me.

**Callen's P.O.V**

I watch Nell bound up the stairs then disappear around the corner. "You know sometimes you are as bad as Deeks G." Sam's voice tears me from my thoughts about the red haired analyst.

"What are you talking about?" I say as I move to sit down at my desk and begin my paperwork, trying to feign ignorance at Sam's words and prodding gaze.

"Please you look at her the same way Deeks looks at Kensi, you are just a lot better at hiding it than him." Sam laughs, leaning back in his chair. I keep my eyes firmly downward as I write up a report. "Come on G, admit it."

I look up about to retort when Kensi walks in. Now normally this is when she jumps in on whatever Sam is poking fun about but today like every other day for the past two months she merely sits down and begins her paperwork.

Sam and I exchange glances before returning to work. I remember Nell's words about how at work Kensi felt she had to be numb, but this just simply wasn't true. She thought that showing her emotions meant weakness in this job, a job dominated my men, but she is wrong, not that I would tell her, I would like children one day maybe.

I stand up and casually walk out of the bullpen, receiving a questioning look from Sam and nothing from Kensi. I walk up to Hetty's desk and plop down without grace into one of her ornate chairs. The silence stretches on as I stare at the wall behind Hetty and Hetty stares at me as she sips her tea.

"Is there something you wanted to discuss Mr. Callen?" Hetty says staring me down.

"Kensi." I state.

"Ah, man would have an easier time decoding the hieroglyphs of Ancient Egypt than decode the inner workings of Ms. Blye's inner thoughts."

"Well that is just the thing Deeks has decoded it, kept them stable, and kept them from traveling to the darkest parts of her mind. You've seen it Hetty, she isn't the same woman from before Deeks, she actually smiles, and she isn't so reckless. And now that he isn't here… I don't know." I shrug glancing back at Kensi. She has her back to me and is simply staring at her computer screen.

"Yes that is why I partnered them all those years ago. However I fear that this assignment with LAPD will be a long one."

"How long?" I say, my voice hard, I wasn't sure how much longer Kensi could last like this. I didn't fear that she would do something to herself; I fear that she would revert back to the old Kensi and get herself killed in the field.

"Anywhere from six months to a year." Hetty relays, her voice sad and despondent. I shake my head angrily.

"There has to be something that we can do."

"I would suggest you take up Nell's plan of action. Let Kensi know that you are there for her, and work with Nell, Eric and Sam to see if you can't help with Mr. Deeks' case, without stepping on LAPD's toes mind you."

"But none of that will matter when he comes back, because LAPD will just pull him away from us." I look up to Hetty and notice a wry smile touching her lips. "Hetty?"

"Before Mr. Deeks left he signed the papers to become an NCIS agent. When he comes back he will be Agent Deeks."

"Does Kensi know?"

She shakes her head. "Mr. Deeks was adamant that he be the one to tell Ms. Blye upon his return." I nod.

"Back to Nell's idea… how can we be there for Kensi when she doesn't want us there? Trying to get her to open is near impossible unless you have Shaggy hair."

Hetty chuckles and sets her tea cup down and shakes her head. "Mr. Callen, Mr. Deeks and Ms. Jones both had to force themselves into Kensi's place, and force her to open up. However both had two different ways of going about it. you just have to find a way to let her know that you are here. Ms. Blye is an incredibly stubborn woman."

"That she is." I say. I sit there pondering how I would let Kensi know that I was here when I hear Eric's whistle.

"Case on deck people."

I exit Hetty's office and walk over to the stares, discretely watching Kensi out of the corner of my eye. She had bags under her eyes and her face was set in a passive scowl. Her shoulders were wrought with tension, her back rammered straight.

As I looked at the female agent I was overcome with a sense of dread, this case wasn't going to be pretty. Something bad was coming and my gut was telling me that it involved Kensi. I could only hope that I could protect her if it came to that.

**Leave a lovely review on your way out**

**A. Grayson**


	5. A Painful Love Story

**And here we go, another chapter. It may seem that this is going to be just a dark story but it is not, there will be laughs but first the dark chapters are first. **

**To the guest reviewer JOY thank you a hundred times over for your lovely reviews. **

**And thank you to all of the others who take the time to read and review it means so much to me.**

**Enjoy, all mistakes are my own.**

**A Painful Love Story**

Chapter 5

**Callen's P.O.V**

It is natural human instinct to want to be right, it is why politicians argue, it is why people become lawyers, and it is why someone will fight till they are blue in the face when arguing that their point of view is right.

But sometimes being right brings about pain and heartache. And at this very moment I never wanted to be more wrong about something. Because if I was wrong then Kensi wouldn't be in surgery right now, she wouldn't have flat lined in the ambulance. If I was wrong Kensi wouldn't be fighting for her life right now.

I pace around the waiting room, Sam, Eric and Nell's eyes following me back and forth, they tried multiple times to get me to sit but I had to keep moving. My little sister was just shot, twice in the chest. I couldn't stop moving, or else everything will overpower me. I was about to walk to the nurses station to demand an update when Kensi's mother Julia came running in.

I saw her look around, her eyes landing on me. "Where is my daughter?" she whispered brokenly. Her brown eyes boring hole into me, her eyes a mixture of pain and disbelief.

"She is in surgery still." Nell answered for me.

"Why wasn't anyone watching her back, where is Marty?" Julia, once again scanned the waiting area looking for the Detective.

"He is away on an assignment for LAPD, didn't Kensi tell you?" I say, looking over at Nell who shrugged her shoulders.

Julia shook her head. "No, I haven't seen Kensi or Marty the last two months; Kensi said they were swamped with work. If he is away on assignment have you at least called him?"

The amount of worry that Julia was carrying at the moment was astounding; worry for her daughters' life and Deeks' absence. But at the mention of calling Deeks I felt my blood begin to boil once again, just as it did hours earlier when I asked Nell the same question. It was Nell who answered.

"We tried to reach him through his handler but… well they told us in a very rude manner to mind our own business. They refuse to tell Deeks that his… partner… is seriously injured." Nell relays, but pauses at the word partner, a sad look touching her face as she relives memories that she no doubt had with Kensi.

Julia looks down at Nell and sighs. "I guess it makes sense."

"What do you mean?" Sam asks.

Julia shakes her head. "Kensi not coming around these last two months, at first I thought that she was pulling away, getting ready to leave again…"

"She wouldn't do that, she always talks about how much she regrets not looking for you." Nell interjects. Julia looks at her and smiles.

"I know that now, but then I remembered that about a year ago Kensi and Marty stopped coming and I didn't know why until she told me about what happened." The entire team flinched remembering the torture of two of our own. "So I figured that something must have happened with Marty." She says sitting between Nell and Sam.

"Deeks has been undercover for the last two months and Hetty spoke to her last week that his assignment could last up to a year." Everyone but Nell looked up at me shocked, Kensi must have told Nell last night.

"Oh dear."

A heavy silence settles over the waiting room as everyone digests this information.

"Are any of you Kensi's Next of Kin?" a doctor in scrubs asks moving to stand before us as Hetty silently walks into the waiting room.

"Depends on who it is?" I ask.

"One Marty Deeks?" I cock my head, Deeks?

"Mr. Deeks is currently away on assignment." Hetty speaks. "I have already talked with the head of the Hospital. For the time being Ms. Blye's mother," Hetty motions to Julia. "Will be listed as her Next of Kin"

The doctor nods and turns to Julia. "I must ask, are the others aloud to know of Agent Blye's condition." Julia nods. "Alright then. Agent Blye's condition is a dire one. One bullet hit her lung causing it to collapse the other nicked her heart, luckily we were able to repair it, but she is not out of the woods yet, and will not be for the next 48 hours. She flat lined once in the ambulance," Julia gasps, and out of instinct I put my arm around her shoulders and squeeze lightly. "She flat line twice more on the table. She is in ICU at the moment; I can allow two visitors at a time."

"Take me to her." Julia says quietly. I move to take my arm from her but she turns towards me. "Please, Callen, will you come with me?"

I am shocked at Kensi's mothers request but I also know that I won't turn down a grieving mother. "Of course." I follow the doctor down the hall.

He stops in front of a plain pale wood door. "This is Ms. Blye's room. I must warn you, there are a lot of wires and machines, and she is very pale." He motions to the door then walks away to tend to his other patience.

Julia makes no move to open the door so I turn the handle, letting Julia in first. She stops cold, as do I at the sight of the female agent. The doctor was right, she is unnaturally pale with bags under her eyes, and she looked close to death.

Julia fights back a sob as I watch her walk to her daughters' bed, but I can't move, I can't take my eyes from my little sister. None of this would have happened if LAPD didn't take Deeks away. That man was needed here, more than I care to admit.

Slowly, gingerly I make my way to the other side of Kensi's bed, coming closer only makes her look worse. God there are so many wires, there is still a chance that she might die. I watch Julia stroke her daughter's cheek softly, tears silently falling. They may be related but these woman were completely different; one not afraid to show her emotions, the other almost deathly afraid.

"I am so sorry Julia." I whisper, never taking my eyes from Kensi face, though she is pale I can't deny the fact that even on the brink of death she is a beautiful woman.

"For what?"

I shrug," for not look out for her while Deeks was away. For not fight LAPD to keep him here, none of this would have happened if he was here."

"Callen, this is not your fault, it's not Marty's fault. The man with the gun who shot my daughter is at fault here." she says defiantly. Okay so maybe they are more alike than I previously thought.

"Still, Deeks should be here."

"That he should Callen. I am thankful every day for the love that man feels for my daughter, it keeps her feel safe, keeps her alive."

"What do you mean by alive?" I say as I sit down and look across Kensi's bed to her mother.

"When she came back from her classified mission I knew something awful happened, she would flinch at loud noises, always tense and looking over her shoulder. The only time that she relaxed was when Marty was next to her. then one day, she told me that what kept her alive over wherever she was, was him." Julia says still looking at Kensi. "He kept her alive while she was over there, and then again when she came back, he didn't let her fall, and if she did he always caught her."

"He loves her." I state simply.

"And she loves him."

"It's a painful love story."

**Leave a review if you desire.**

**-A. Grayson**


	6. A Lifetime

**Okay, I know I know I should have updated a while ago but I was busy with life. But here we go with the next chapter. I know that the next one will be up soon as well. **

**For anyone reading my other stories I know that it has been awhile but I am working on them now too, I promise.**

**Enjoy the next chapter of Solitude.**

**A Lifetime**

Chapter 6

**Callen's P.O.V**

I sit with Julia next to Kensi's bedside for a few hours, trading stories back and forth about Kensi when she was a rookie and when she was a child. One thing I learned was that a few stories included Deeks as well. And in everyone Julia would comment while looking at her daughter while saying that the look in Kensi's eyes was so bright but a little sad.

"He would leave a room for a moment and she would stare where he disappeared for a few seconds, she looked like she wanted to say something but couldn't." Julia said while caressing Kensi's cheek motherly.

"Both are far too stubborn for their own good. And I guess on some level it is our fault," Julia looks at me. "I think that if we made more of an effort to show them that we want them together they might have taken the step sooner, add that with their personal fears of getting hurt…" I trail off shaking my head. "I just want to see her happy, and he makes her happier than I have ever seen her."

Silence settles over the room when Kensi's head violently shifts to the right towards me, her eyes were squeezed shut, her brow furrowed. Her heart monitor showed an increase in heart rate, without a second thought I lean over and hit the call button.

By the time the nurses arrive Kensi is thrashing violently, blood begins seeping through her bandages. Julia and I are all but shoved out of the room while the nurses and doctors try to calm her. Julia is crying demanding to know what is happening as I steer her back towards the waiting room and the team. As we walk through they see Julia's tears and look to me, fear evident in their eyes.

"It was like she was having a nightmare, but couldn't wake up. It looked like she tore her stitches too." I said, my voice was shaky and unsure as I sit next to Nell.

The red headed analyst's eyes were full of fear as she turned to look at me, her voice was low when she spoke. "Callen we have to get a hold of Deeks." Her face was one of deep concern.

"Nell we tried, Bates is stonewalling us and…" Nell's furious low voice stopped me from continuing.

"No, Callen you do not get it. Last night, Kensi had another nightmare…"

"About what?"

"Sidorov. If he is not here she might not fight to live." I raise a quizzical eyebrow. "It is not scientifically proven of course but there have been cases where people who have the ones they love by their side have a higher chance of pulling through."

"I know Nell, but not even Hetty could get through to Deeks. We will just have to be enough for her." I say still looking into Nell's sad eyes.

"Before Deeks that might have been enough, but now Callen I am not so sure."

"Just how deep do those two feel for each other?" I ask, knowing that Nell knew the female agents real feelings.

"Pretty damn deep G." She says softly.

Silence descends among us, I look over at Julia and see Kensi in the way she holds herself, but Julia is softer not so sharp, not waiting for danger. I really did hope that the team would be enough for Kensi to come back to because she had a family that needed her, we need her, the banter between her and Deeks brought laughter that was near nonexistent before the liaison. I look up and see the doctor walking towards us.

"Ms. Blye is perfectly fine other than tearing her stitches, it seems she was locked within a dream, and with the sedatives she couldn't escape it."

"So she is okay?" Julia asked.

"Yes, however in her sleep she kept repeating a word, a name I believe it was Deeks," the entire time nods solemnly. "Her speech was extremely distressed and loud. Do any of you know what Deeks means?"

"It is her partner, Marty Deeks."

"Is he available?"

"No, LAPD is not giving us his whereabouts." Sam says angrily.

"I see, well as you were earlier she is still in critical luckily the tearing of stitches is the worse that she did at the moment. But I think that she needs her rest. You may comeback in the morning and see her then, she should be awake by then as well."

The doctor again walks away without a look back as Hetty moves to stand before us. Go home, get some rest, and you all have the week off." Hetty declares and then she to turns and walks away.

"Good night guys, I am sure that Michelle will come tomorrow, she has been worried about Kensi." Sam says as he places a hand on Julia's shoulder and gives her a sympathetic look, and then he to leaves.

"I am going to Kensi's apartment to get some of her things because no doubt she will be here for a while. You coming Callen?" I nod, turning to Julia giving her hug after Nell.

"She will be alright, she needs to finish that love story." I whisper to Kensi's mother. She pulls away with a sad smile and a nod.

"Come on Julia I will walk you to your car," Eric says laying a gentle hand on Julia's shoulders, leading her towards the elevators.

I look to Nell who is looking back towards where Kensi's room is. Before I can stop myself I reach down and grab Nell's hand, making her eyes shoot up to mine. "She will be alright Nell." I say softly. "She is a fighter."

"I know that she is, but everyone has their limit to how much they can fight, and she is at her limit Callen." She squeezes my hand softly. "Come on, I want to get a few things from her apartment."

She pulls me out of the hospital and jumps behind the wheel of her car, seeing as how I rode in with Sam after Kensi was shot. Looking out the window I think to Nell's words; Kensi was a fighter, but with her past plus all that has happened in the past year… it was a wonder that Kensi hasn't fell apart.

* * *

><p><strong>Kensi's P.O.V <strong>

_I look around OSP not really sure what I was looking for, but hoping to see it, even if it was just a glimpse. That was when I see a pair of ocean blue eyes. The previous empty feeling suddenly vanishes as I look into those beautiful eyes that I just want to lose myself in. images of our one night flash through my mind; a soft caress of fingers and lips, the weight of him pushing me into the mattress, the shortness of breath as my chest heaves, the ruff tickling of his scruff all over, the uncharacteristic scream that rips itself from my throat…_

_ "What is going through that beautiful head of yours Fern?" he asks. When I don't speak a small intimate smile touches those soft lips. "You are thinking about our night together, yes?"_

_ "Yes and how I want more."_

_ "How many more do you want Kensi? Just tell me and I will give it to you."_

_ "A lifetime. I want a lifetime, a life with you Marty. I need that."_

_ He moves to walk to me, slow, calculating, like a wolf on the hunt. When he is a hairs breath from me he stops, his lips brushing mine as he speaks. "Then I will give that to you. I will give you whatever you desire." His voice was husky._

_ "Whatever I desire?"_

* * *

><p>My eyes open slowly, I move to touch the side of my bed, but my arm comes in contact with a bed railing a pain flares across my whole body.<p>

"Shit." I whisper looking around.

I was shot, shit, I am in a hospital. It wasn't real. My dream wasn't real.

"It wasn't real," I whisper to the room. And I don't know what hurts more the gunshot wounds or the fact that what was a dream, what I _DESIRED,_ wasn't real.

Tears silently leak out; I hold back the sobs that I know are there because I know that they will only do more damage to my already frail body.

_God I hate this, crying like a teenager, being weak._ I think. This is not me, I do not cry over a man.

_Yes you do,_ my internal voice screams.

"Wow, I must be going nuts." I say to no one.

I lay there just wishing for something I know I can't have at the moment. I know Deeks would be here if he was told I was shot, and I know the team would try to contact him. The fact that he wasn't here means that LAPD didn't pass the message on. And that thought brings on more tears.

I just want him here, his jokes about eating the jello, his eyes boring into mine, reminding me of the night before I was shipped off to Afghanistan. I want that again, forever.

"A lifetime."

**Leave a review if you desire**

**-A Grayson**


	7. I Would Choose You

**Sorry that this update took a few days I didn't have internet service but I have two new chapters and a new story for you guys. But here is the first chapter.**

**Callen will get a bit of backlash in later chapters for the little stunt he pulls in this chapter but it won't have lasting effects.**

**Little uh question for you guys did any of you know that the actor who played Jack is on Scandal this season in a completely different role than he played on LA?**

**Enjoy as always I do not own anything**

**I Would Choose You**

Chapter 7

**Callen's P.O.V**

Walking into Kensi's apartment I was stunned into silence, so stunned I barely heard Nell's laugh. "I did the same thing last night when I saw it."

"It is…. Holy shit she really cleaned!"

"Yea, I think she needed to do something when she couldn't sleep at night." I look at Nell who moved to sit on Kensi's couch.

"I have only been here a handful of times, and every time it looked like a bomb went off." I say light heartedly. "If anything this is an indicator to how much Kensi misses Deeks." I say as I sit next to Nell.

"She is going to need someone to stay with her for a few days when she is released from the hospital…"

"I will stay with her." I say cutting Nell off.

"No G…"

"It is fine Nell, I don't sleep anyway…

"Callen!" Nell yells catching my attention. "No offense but Kensi is going to need someone that she has…um… let it, so to speak."

"And she hasn't done that with me, or Sam." I sigh running a hand down my face tiredly. "Alright, but if you need anything, anything at all, you call me okay?" Nell nods.

"I am just going to grab a few things from her room, then we can go." Nell says as she disappears into Kensi's room.

I sit there looking around, taking in how clean the apartment is, the book case off to the side is organized. I get up and walk over to it, and I am pleasantly surprised at how many books are on the bookcase and some look like they have been read more than once. A picture on the second shelf catches my eye.

It is a picture of Deeks riding a wave with the sun rising behind him. The picture itself tells how much time they spend together. I continue walking through the apartment not touching just looking. It may seem intrusive but this is a once and a lifetime chance to see into how Kensi lives, to Deeks and Nell it was a common occurrence. And the fact that they are allowed to see Kensi in her home setting makes me a tad bit jealous. I know that it seems irrational but I can't help the jealousy that rears its ugly head, I tried real hard to get Kensi to open up when I first met her, but it would have been easier to predict an earthquake, and finally I just accepted that Kensi didn't open up to anyone. Then Deeks waltzes in and gets her to open in ways that I couldn't, and being team leader that thought irked me. But when I see the way that he makes her smile, got her to lighten up I can't help but feel thankful, but the jealousy remained, almost forgotten, but looking through her apartment that jealousy came back.

I find my way into Kensi's kitchen and walk up to her dining table. I see a piece of paper with Kensi's writing. I look over my shoulder and hearing Nell moving around I sit down and pick the paper up and start reading…

_I did not _fall _in love with you._

_ I walked into love with you with my eyes wide open,_

_ Choosing to take every step along the way._

_ I do believe in Fate and destiny, _

_ But I also believe we are only Fate to do the things_

_ That we'd choose anyway._

_ And I would choose you, in a hundred lifetimes,_

_ In a hundred worlds_

_ In any version of reality_

_ I would find you and I would choose you. _

"What the hell are you doing G?!" Nell's angry voice shocks me from my rereading. I look up and I see just how angry that she is.

"I was just reading…" I say pointing the paper.

"Why?"

And all of a sudden I feel like I am being scolded by Hetty, or my kindergarten teacher. "Ummmm….."

"You have no right to read that Callen, this is not a crime investigation this is Kensi's house."

"You are right, I am sorry Nell, it is just sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me." I try but Nell is adamant about standing up for her friend.

"I do not care, I understand but I do not care. Did it never occur to you that this is why she is guarded?"

"No I did not occur to me, I really am sorry Nell."

Nell sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. "It is fine, I probably overreacted just a little…"

"No you didn't over react, I was in the wrong here, you were just standing up for your friend," I stand up and gently grab her shoulders. She nods her eyes lock onto my chest as she tries to calm down.

"Come on, I will drop you off at your house, I think that I am going to go back to the hospital to sit with her, I know she hates waking up alone in a hospital."

I want to tell her that I will go with her but I can still see that she is upset so I only nod. "Okay."

The entire ride to my house is quiet but thankfully not awkward. When she stops in front of my house I turn to her, grabbing her hand from the steering wheel. "Nell… Nell please look at me."

"You invaded her privacy, you know as much as I do how much she values her privacy, and yet you still read that paper." She said, as she turned to me.

"I know, but I…" I sigh, i might as well as be completely truthful here. "I am jealous of you… you and Deeks."

"What? Why?"

"Because all it took from Deeks was a smile and a joke to get her to let him in, she went to you when he went undercover, not me. As childish as it may sound, I have known her longer than both of you and I never could get her to open in the way you two have and it makes me jealous. I want her to be as comfortable with me as she is with you guys." By the end I am whispering, feeling a bit foolish.

"I wish I could say that she is Callen but you know how Kensi is. And I forgive you just do not do it again."

"I wouldn't dream of it, I value my life."

**Nell's P.O.V**

Leaving Callen at his place I drive back to the hospital the word _jealousy_ repeating over and over in my head. I wish that I could say that I understand Callen's words but I don't. He should know by now the type of person that Kensi Blye is, and Kensi really had no choice but to let me in after she showed up at my door piss drunk ranting about how much she loved him and with Deeks… well that is just what happens when you find your better half.

I walk through the hospital and find Kensi's room, claiming to every nurse I saw that I was going to see my sister, just a little white lie that won't hurt anyone. Finally I make it to her room and the sight that greets me is one that I wasn't expecting; Kensi Blye silently crying. I know she is holding back sobs only because of the pain from her wounds. It is her broken voice that wakes me from my trance; "A lifetime." She whispers to the empty room.

"A lifetime of what?" I ask quietly not wanting to startle her.

"Nothing," she tries. "Just a dream." She shrugs. I can tell that her brain is still processing this dream so I let it go.

Over the past few months I have learned to read Kensi fairly well, not as well as Deeks, but well enough to know when to leave things alone and when to force her to open up. And it seems as though this time I chose correctly.

I watched as Kensi tried to sit up but the pain was apparently overwhelming. "Here, I know that you will be here for a few days so I brought you a few books that were on your nightstand, your computer and a notepad."

A few weeks ago Kensi confessed that personal thoughts were ones she liked to write down, saying that they meant more when they were handwritten; hence the paper that Callen wrote.

"I stopped by your place on the way to drop Callen off…

"Wait Callen was in my apartment?" her eyes grew wide.

"Yea he was surprised that it was clean…." I said as a rung my hands, a nervous tick that Kensi picked up on right away.

"He read what I left on the dining table didn't he." It was a statement not a question. "Damnit. Did you read it?" I shook my head.

"No and I gave Callen the third degree about reading it, he really is sorry about it." I look at her an I do not see anger but embarrassment. "What was on it?"

"Nothing important, I woke up and just wrote something down while I had coffee." Kensi deflected.

"Okay, just know that I am here Kens."

"I know Nell," she smiles at me softly. "I take it that because Deeks is not here Bate's is refusing to tell him?"

"Yea, how did you know?" the moment I asked the question I knew the answer.

"Because if it was the other way around I would have been at his bedside." She turns to look at the door, I can see her wishing that he would walk through the door.

"I'm sorry Kensi, I tried, hell even Hetty tried she all but threatened Bate's but his exact words were 'he is my Detective and that female partner of his softened my best Detective'…." I whisper not knowing if I should tell her all of what the man had said…

"He said more than that, I know that he did, he isn't the type of man to soften a blow, what else did he say?" Kensi demanded, sometime I forget that she is a Federal Agent.

"He said that… Kensi don't make me say it please," I beg, I don't want to cause her stress while she is still in the hospital.

"What did he say?" Kensi growled, her face set in a scowl whether from pain or anger, I am not sure but my best guess is that it is a combination of the two, with anger pervading.

"He said that if Deeks got himself killed because he was too busy thinking of you that it…

"Would be my fault." She states, her voice emotionless, hollow.

"You know that that is not true, right Kensi. Deeks wouldn't do that because he knows that you would kick his ass." I say trying to get a laugh from the female agent, but all I get is a smile and a nod.

"Deeks is a professional he knows how to do his job, he will be… he will be okay, he has to be."

"He will be." I say quietly as I watch Kensi's eyes become heavy and eventually she drifts off to sleep. I settle into the uncomfortable chair at her bedside and start to drift off, hoping and praying that the Shaggy Detective would walk through the door to cheer Kensi up, because there was only so much I could do.

**Leave a review if you desire**

**-A. Grayson**


	8. This Changes Everything

**And here is the next chapter, I know that you guys want Deeks to come back but it is a process, he is not back yet but he is in this chapter for a bit of fluff, but he won't be back for a few chapters…what can I say I love writing a sad Kensi…does that make me mean? Oh well**

**Enjoy **

**This Changes Everything**

Chapter 8

**Hetty's P.O.V**

I may have sent my team home but I couldn't in good conscious not try one more time to get Bates to see reason and his flawed reasoning behind why he won't call Mr. Deeks, so I head to the Mission. Perhaps this is the event that gets Mr. Deeks to sign those papers I gave him many years ago.

I pick up my phone and dial Bates number at LAPD. It rings several times and the man who answers is clearly agitated.

_Bates._

"Ah Mr. Bates this is Ms. Lange…"

_Of course it is, look I am not calling Deeks, he is in deep cover and we both know that if he learns about Ms. Blye's condition he will break protocol…_

"Sometimes protocol is meant to be broken." I say with a hint of anger creeping into my voice.

_I don't give a damn! He is my Detective and it is my call not yours! You can tell that female agent of yours that she is just going to have to deal without her lover boy. And quite frankly I am shocked that you let those two get so close, you have made my Detective weak Ms. Lange and…._

_ "_Enough!" my tone shocks Bates to shut his damn mouth. "Fine, do not call Mr. Deeks but know that this will be his last operation with you, he will never forgive you for keeping him from his partner when she was shot… shot Bates twice, she died three times. Let that settle with you, you know as well as I that this will cause a rift between Mr. Deeks and LAPD."

In my anger I hang up before that awful man can spit out a comeback. I know that my words are true and he knows that they are true but Bates is stubborn and treats Mr. Deeks as an object that is his to control, it was one of the many reasons I pulled Mr. Deeks from LAPD. The fact that he and Ms. Blye would make EXELENT partners was just an added bonus…sort of.

**Deeks' P.O.V**

I jolt up in my lumpy bed with a sharp pain in my chest gasping for breath. I can't remember a dream, just feeling pain and then being awake. I look around and sigh, it was not the apartment that I want to see or be in. I desperately miss the smell of sunshine and gunpowder, the mess that would greet me when I woke up in the middle of the night from one of our many late nights…okay so it was every night, what can I say I am a very weak man when it comes to Kensi Marie Blye. I may have put a halt to our thing for the time being but that didn't mean that I couldn't indulge myself from falling asleep with her in my arms. But with distance I gained a bit of perspective.

Though I may have indulged myself with the feel of her…with clothes on… I may have sent some very mixed signals to Kensi. I said that I didn't know what to do with our thing and yet I went to her nearly every night and feel asleep next to her. And the thought that I could have hurt her in my selfishness I had to make it right… and to make it right I had to make it home alive and well, I had to keep my promise to stay alive.

But the sharp pain in my chest was one I knew all too well; it happened when Kensi was shot while searching for Clairmont, it happened when she was taken by the Russians, hit on the head by Talbot and again when she went missing in Afghanistan. Something was wrong.

I jump up from my bed and reach for a burn phone used to contact my handler. It rings several times as I pace my small apartment.

_Deeks is something wrong? _I hear my handler ask quickly.

"I do not know you tell me." My voice is icy almost daring him to lie to me. I trust my instincts over anyone at LAPD any day.

_I don't know what you are talking about._

"Do not take me for a fool Andrew, I know something happened with Kensi and you know."

_Nothing happened you are just paranoid._ His deep voice says only stirring my anger more.

"You're lying to me…."

_Do your job Detective that is an order._ The line cuts and I shut the phone. My eyes land on an empty beer bottle and without a second thought I pick it up and hurl it across the room with a growl of frustration.

I know something happened to Kensi, and LAPD is refusing to tell me. Once I have my anger under control the rational part of my brain takes control as I dial Nell's number, not even regarding the fact that it is past midnight.

Finally on the last ring Nell's groggy voice answers the phone.

_'ello?_

"Nell! It is Deeks."

_Deeks? _Nell whispers _oh my god did Hetty finally get through to you?_

"What? No I haven't spoken to Hetty since I left. Nell is Kensi okay?"

_She is doing good physically now…but Deeks, she was shot twice in the chest, her heart stopped three times._

I fell down into a chair as I try to process her words… Kensi was shot, twice and I wasn't there… "What do you mean physically she is okay, did she hit her head or something…"

_No Deeks, she just misses you. She needs you a lot more than she lets on but I am doing everything that I can to cheer her up._

"She died… Nell she died, she was shot and I wasn't there, I am not there to sit with her…Son of a bitch!" I yell without thinking. "Tell me where you are." I demand.

I hear Nell take a breath to speak but stops suddenly, her voice becomes far away and muffled. When she finally comes back her voice is clear and giving me a bit of what I want.

_ Someone wants to talk to you Deeks._

_ "_What?" Then I hear her voice, groggy with sleep and drugs but it is still her voice.

_Deeks?_

"K-Kensi? Are you alright? Are you in pain? Tell me where you are." I shoot off the questions so fast I am not really sure if she understood me.

_I am okay Deeks, _I can practically hear the smile in her voice. _Just a little bit of pain these pain meds the hospital is pumping me with are working wonders._

I can't stop the full body laugh, no because her words were necessarily funny, but I just really miss Kensi. I hear her chuckle quietly.

_God I missed that sound._

"So Nell informs me that you miss me," I poke at Kensi, but I don't get the reaction I expected, instead I get the honest truth spoken in her soft tone, something that I first heard the night before Afghanistan and a lot more in the past few months.

_I did miss you, more than you know Deeks._

"I miss you to Kens, I promise you, and this is my last operation with LAPD. Now tell me what hospital you are at."

_No, Deeks you are not endangering your operation, your safety just to come watch me sleep in a hospital bed._

"Oh come you are so cute when you sleep," I say.

_That may be the case_,

"Conceded much,"

She laughs at that then I hear her suck in a breath, most likely in pain. _Be that as it may, I am okay Deeks, just… finish your operation and come home…please. I need you to come home to me. _She whispers

"But you are not okay Kens, you died… three times, I should be there with you." I argue, but deep down I know that it is pointless.

_Please Marty; just for once do as I ask. I know you want to be here and I really want you here but not at the cost of your safety…_ I don't answer as I try to process my first name passing through her lips, the last time I heard that was the night before Afghanistan when she was consumed by desire, and I was too far too gone to really think about it. _Please Marty._

"Fine, I just want it on the record I don't like it." I say quietly.

_I know, there is nothing more I want than for you to be here. I might regret telling you this but…I-I need you more than I know how to handle. But we have jobs that need to be done._

"I know, I know. This changes everything." I say hoping that she hears the true meaning of the statement.

_Good, I have been waiting for that change._

**Leave a review if you desire.**

**-A. Grayson**


	9. It Will Have to Be Enough

**So this is a filler chapter before I start the next chapter. I figured I was dragging in updating this story so I can give you a short one. Look for the next chapter very soon for Solitude and Distress (another story I have neglected to update.**

**Enjoy this filler chapter.**

**It Will Have to Be Enough**

Chapter 9

**Nell's P.O.V**

Now normally I try to avoid sleeping in uncomfortable hospital chairs at any cost because 1. It means I didn't do my job good enough and 2. They are humanities bane. These damn things are awful, I would rather sleep on a stone slab, which is why the shrill ringing from my phone caused me to jump the curse at my neck cracked.

"'Ello?"

_ Nell! It is Deeks_.

"Deeks! Oh my god did Hetty finally get through to you?" I whisper so as not to disturb Kensi.

_ What? No I haven't spoken to Hetty since I left. Nell is Kensi okay?_

That throws me, if he hadn't spoken to Hetty how did he know that something was wrong with Kensi? I ask myself. I know that Bates didn't tell Deeks, that man treats his Detectives like crap on a good day.

"She is doing good physically now…but Deeks, she was shot twice in the chest, her heart stoppedthree times." I wait for the self-deprecating nature of his to come out, it is one of the things they have in common, they blame themselves for events that are out of their control.

_ What do you mean physically she is okay, did she hit her head or something…_

Whoops that wasn't supposed to come out, but maybe he needed to hear it to give him that small push, because I do not know how much longer I can see Kensi in pain when the cure is within touching distance. "No Deeks, she just misses you. She needs you a lot more than she lets on but I am doingeverything that I can to cheer her up." I say honestly

_ She died… Nell she died, she was shot and I wasn't there, I am not there to sit with her…Son of a_ _bitch!_ Deeks yells into the phone. _Tell me where you are._ He demands.

I take a breath knowing that I will tell him because he deserves to be here, he needs to be here, but when I look up at Kensi I see her polychrome eyes looking at me. Her eyes lay out the internal battle within her; tell him to come or stay away. I know her choice when she shakes her head. I pull the phone away and speak.

"Kensi are you sure, this is your chance to see him."

"No Nell, I will not be the one to put him in danger. Give me the phone, if I can't see him I can at least indulge in hearing his voice." I think to blame the drugs for her response but her eyes are clear and in pain so I nod with a soft smile.

"Someone wants to talk to you Deeks." I hand Kensi the phone

"Deeks?" I hear her say as I move to get up but Kensi grips my arm tightly while looking at the opposite wall as she listens to Deeks most likely demand her location. I take my seat back and roll my neck while I try not to listen but she clearly doesn't care.

"I am okay Deeks," Kensi smiles into the phone. "Just a little bit of pain these painmeds the hospital is pumping me with are working wonders."

I can't help but chuckle silently at her words and I can hear Deeks' full body laugh from my seat and I see Kensi's eyes glaze over as she listens.

"God, I missed that sound." Her voice is soft, but clearly guarded, the distance making it hard to know if her would accept the statement or pull back. I do not know his choice as Kensi goes silent with a small smile on her face.

"I do miss you, more than you know Deeks," I watch her face as sadness makes itself home and a lone tear falls.

"No, Deeks you are not endangering your operation, your safety just to come watch me sleep in a hospital bed." I laugh at her words quietly as she smiles into the phone. "Be that as it may…" she stops and the shakes her head with a laugh, "Be that as it may, I am okay Deeks, just… finish your operation and come home…please. I need you to come home to me."She whispers, her hand still gripping my arm tightens slightly. Her voice sounds on the breaking point as she looks up to the ceiling.

"Please Marty; just for once do as I ask. I know you want to be here and I really want you here but not at the cost of your safety… Please Marty." Then the reason behind me staying makes sense, she didn't want to lose her resolve, her heart saying telling him but the logical brain knows the right choice, feelings be damned.

"I know, there is nothing more I want than for you to be here. I might regret telling you this but…I-I need you more than I know how to handle. But we have jobs that need to be done."

Then the truest Kensi Blye smile emerges as a deep and profound happiness almost radiates from the injured female agent.

"Good, I have been waiting for that change."

Wait does that…. Does that mean….

Kensi hangs up the phone and squeezes my arm once more, "I needed you here because…."

"I know Kens; I would do the same if I were you."

"I really just wanted to tell him where we are, I need to see him." She sighs.

"You did the right thing. But what is this change you spoke of?" I ask as Kensi blushes.

"I do not really know but his words were 'this changes everything'"

I smile and stand up to stretch. "Well that sounds like a good thing Kensi. I will be right back, I need to stretch." I say as I walk out the door. I only partially left because I wanted to stretch, but I knew that after a conversation like that with Deeks, Kensi would need time to process the words that were spoken.

**Leave a review if you desire**

**-A. Grayson**


	10. I Will Try, I Will Try

**It is here, the next chapter. I am quiet happy with how it came out and I hope you do to. And for anyone reading my other stories I swear I am working on them but... well...yea I am a procrastinator of the greatest kind, so I hope you can just bear with me because I love writing for you and I love reading all your reviews because they help motivate me to write quicker.**

**Enjoy, all mistakes are my own and I do not own anything...sad I know.**

**I Will Try, I Will Try**

Chapter 10

**Sam's P.O.V**

Walking through my front door I am completely engulf in the smell of Italian food and a pair of thin little arms.

"Daddy!"

"Hey sweetheart how was school today?" I ask as I kneel down trying to keep the sadness and fear off of my face and plaster on a smile for my daughter.

"Oh it was the same as every day, somebody picking their nose others for drawing on the desks, but I was good!" she rambles off quickly without taking a breath.

"I am sure you were. Okay sweetie go play while I talk to your mother." I say standing up watching her run off towards her mound of toys smack dab in the middle of the living room. I laugh quietly as I walk to the kitchen where Michelle is cooking. "So what is for dinner?"

"Spaghetti and meatballs," she turns with a smile but it drops as soon as she sees my face. "What happened? Is the team okay?" she drops the spoon and turns the heat down on the sauce so it does not burn before she makes her way over to me.

"Kensi was shot, and no one can get through to Deeks because LAPD want to be difficult just because we are feds." The end of the sentence turns angry as I remember Bates' words. "Bates is a real jackass," I bite.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Last I heard she was awake but she has another day before she is clear of any complications. Michelle I have only seen her that scared once before when she found Deeks… tied to that damn chair. She just kept calling for Deeks over and over again….

* * *

><p><em>We charge into the building guns raised and target in mind. And there is some truth in Deeks' words, when you yell "Federal Agents put your guns down!" criminals tend to either run or shoot back. Well these criminals shot back with a vengeance. <em>

_ Callen took cover behind a wall and I knelt next to Kensi behind a crumbling wall. When it appeared that all of the criminals were down we stood up, having no reason to be completely on guard. As we were checking for pulses and clearing weapons a shot ran out. We both turn on our heels to see Kensi's gun smocking, when another two shots ring out, jolting the female agents body violently. The man raises his weapon again aiming for her head when Callen and I empty our clips into the bastard._

_ He falls dead as Kensi falls painfully to his knees whispering, "I missed…." _

_ I run over to her as she falls catching her head before it can hit the floor. "It is alright Kensi it happens, don't worry you are going to be fine." I hear Callen yelling at Eric to get an ambulance to our location._

_ "Deeks…. I-Sam I need Marty, please". She grips my shirt in her fist her eyes pleading. "Please Sam, please," she whispers._

_ Tears are spilling from her polychrome eyes as she pleads with me. "Okay Kens, I will go and find his Shaggy ass and bring him to you okay?" I ask without tearing my eyes from her dark ones, fear eating away at them was something I never wanted to see from the female agent, my sister._

_ "Sam…" her eyes flutter close but quickly open, her voice was raw and near silent. "Please…. Tell him I was patient and that I…" she coughs, blood tinging her lips and her breath were short gasps. "I love him, more than I ever loved Jack… please Sam…"_

_ "You are NOT dying Kensi do you hear me!" She coughs harder this time brining up more blood. The sirens touch my ears as they pull up; I hear the yelling of the paramedics. _

_ "Promise me," she demands. I nod, tears pricking at my eyes. "Watch out for him, but…. For the love of everything," she coughs her eyes closing. "Don't tell him to move on…I tried and it didn't….work…"_

_ She blacks out and I back up to allow the medics to do their job. Standing up is when I see the blood… god there was a lot of blood, the smell assaulting my senses; it coated my hands where I compressed the more serious wound over her heart. I look down at my hands; they were drenched in blood, so much so that it was dripping down my fingers onto my pants and the concrete beneath my feet._

* * *

><p>"There was so much blood Michelle, it was dripping off my hands…" I say leaning against the counter staring at the wall behind my wife's head.<p>

"But at least she is alive…"

"But she wasn't. She died, three times; they barely got her back the last time. And then I couldn't even keep my promise to her to find Deeks and tell him." I shake my head and close my eyes as I feel my wife's arms encircle my waist. "I almost lost my little sister Michelle… I almost lost her. Deeks almost lost the woman he loves…

* * *

><p><strong>Hetty's P.O.V<strong>

I walk through the halls towards Ms. Blye's room when I see Nell making her way in my direction. She seems lost in thought but a small private smile is adorning her features and she fails to notice me. "Ms. Jones?" I say as I approach her. She jumps from her thoughts and her smile widens.

"Hetty, she is awake, I left her alone for a few minutes so she could process." She said looking over her shoulder down the hall at the female agents' room.

"Process what exactly Ms. Jones?"

"Deeks called my phone," she says turning back towards me, missing the small smile that disappeared quickly. "He said that he couldn't get anything out of his handler but he knew Hetty, he knew she was in trouble."

"And where is he?"

"He is not here, Kensi told him to stay away, that he is not to risk his cover or his safety just to watch her sleep." Nell says with a chuckle.

"You may go home Ms. Jones, I will sit with her until Mr. Callen arrives in a few hours. I believe he has something to apologize for."

"Did he say what?" she asks cautiously.

"That I do not know, but I take it that you do dear. He said that he felt he had to come clean to Ms. Blye." She nods wringing her hands then looking back at Kensi's room. "Go home, Ms. Jones, eat sleep. I have given the team the rest of the week off."

Without another word I slip past her and head to Ms. Blye's room. Walking in I see her holding a book, a book that has seen many page turns. The cover was frayed and discolored marking that it was well loved. I looked to the title and smiled. "Good book?" I ask as I take the seat next to the bed.

She nods, "Yes, but not mine, Marty's; he loves it so much and told me that I just had to read it in a valley girl accent," the female agent laughed quietly. She ran her fingers over the cover her eyes had a faraway look.

"Ms. Jones told me you spoke to him."

"Yes I did, do not worry I told him to stay away and finish his mission." She said quickly.

"Yes I know dear, I sent Nell home, sleeping in a real bed will do her some good. Sleep will do you some good as well you are still in critical condition Ms. Blye." I say laying a hand on her knee, her eyes move over to me.

"I'm scared to sleep Hetty. I thought that I was going to die… to die without telling him…" she stopped grabbing the bookmark that was halfway through the book. She hands me the photo with tears in her eyes.

I look down at the photo and see it is a picture taken from the second floor of the Mission looking down at the bullpen. Deeks and Kensi were the only occupants. Deeks was leaning against his desk with his arms crossed, his face softly looking at Kensi who was a breaths width away from him, trapping him where he was. Her head was cocked to the side as if waiting for him to tell her what was bothering him. The hand farthest from the camera was resting on his side at his ribs in a loving comforting gesture.

"I almost died without telling him that I love him… but you know that already don't you, that is why you sent me away." I hear the anger in her tone but also the profound sadness. "Why Hetty? I mean I know that we had a rough day but we were learning to balance it, we would have balanced it if you had just given us time." Now tears were running down her cheeks. "Why did you do that to us?" she demanded.

"I didn't send you to Afghanistan to punish you two Kensi," I say softly standing up to move towards the top of the bed. "I sent you because you were the best chance at finding out what was really going on, but I promise you that it had nothing to do with you and Mr. Deeks' relationship. I mean I partnered you two all those years ago with the hope that this would happen, that you would let him in, learn to love something other than the job."

"Whether it was because of our relationship or not, it damaged something that didn't even have a chance to grow. Now a year later and I am still haunted by nightmares Hetty, nightmares that end in his death. "She whispers.

I run a hand through her hair in a motherly gesture. "It will all be alright Kensi, he will be okay."

"I don't know how I will stand the silence for months on end; those five months I spend overseas were just pure torture."

"You will make it but you have to let your team help you Kensi. They all want to help you get through this, we all hate seeing you in pain. Just let them in Ms. Blye."

"I will try." She says putting the photo back in its rightful spot in the weathered book, a single tear falling on the cover, forever marking the sadness of its current reader.

**Leave a lovely review if you so desire,**

**-A. Grayson**


	11. Remember

**All things said and promised by Callen and Sam in this chapter are important to remember as they will be pivotal in future chapters as Kensi waits for Deeks to come back…yes that means it could be awhile before he comes back, what can I say, I was going to bring him back quickly but I am having way to much fun writing this. **

**The quote that Callen read will pop up in this chapter and lead the way to how Callen will get her to open up. **

**This story is meant to showcase not only Kensi's relationship with the team as it grows stronger, but also with Deeks through her words and actions while he is away. so strap on in guys it may be awhile before we get that reunion, but they will speak again, just do not know when.**

**Enjoy**

**Remember**

Chapter 11

**Sam's P.O.V**

Three days after Kensi was shot she was brought out of critical care, and she was asking for me. I know that I should have seen her when I heard from Nell that she had woken up, but to look at her and know that I couldn't keep my promise, I couldn't do it. and quiet honestly she had every reason to hate me after the awful things I said to Deeks before Sidorov captured us, who knows maybe she does hate me and will yell and scream at me, I think as I stand outside her door.

"Go in Sam you are not the only one who has to talk to her," Callen pushes. The man has been jumpy ever since he went with Nell to Kensi's place and he has yet to tell me why.

"Why are you so adamant about talking to Kensi?"

"I have to apologize." He said simply adverting his gaze down the hall.

"G you know her getting shot or Deeks getting pulled under were not your fault," I say turning towards him but he shakes his head and looks at me.

"It is not that, it is something else, so if you please," he motions to the door.

"For the love of everything, one of you get in here!" We hear Kensi yell. Apparently she wasn't as asleep as the nurses thought, and her hearing defiantly wasn't affected by her wounds. We both just stare at the door, not knowing what to do. "Sam Hanna get in here before I call Hetty!" she yells.

"Oooh, you better get in the Sam, Kensi means business." G laughs as I walk through the door with a sigh.

"Hey," I say weakly.

"It is okay Sam," her words cause me to do a double take.

"Uh… what?"

She laughs. "Sam I know that you feel guilty that you couldn't get Deeks to be here, you both forget that I have known you for years. Sam I was scared and I should have known that he couldn't be here, it is okay I forgive you for that." She smiles shifting in bed with a grimace.

I sigh taking a seat by her bed. "Okay, but I never apologized to you for…" I trail off not wanting either of us to relive the awful memories of Sidorov.

"For what Sam?" I look up and I see a hint of coldness in her eyes and I know that she knows what I am apologizing for, but she is going to make me say it.

"For what happened before Sidorov." I say hanging my head again.

"What happened before Sidorov?"

"You know what happened Kensi."

"Say it Sam." She bites.

"I am sorry that I treated your partner like shit that entire day for judging his character. If you trust him then that should have been enough."

"Yes it should have been, but you didn't just insult my partner Sam you insulted a man who means everything to me," I nod, my head still hanging in defeat at her hard tone. "Look at me." I do not move. "Sam Hanna look at me," she bites making me look up. "Do not ever question him again, and this is one thing I do not think I can forgive, at least not yet. I know you apologized to him, but it took you a year to finally get that you had to apologize to me too, and then it was only because I was shot."

She looks away from me and gently touches her bandages. "I am so sorry, and I understand that you can't forgive me right now, but you have to know just how sorry that I am." I whisper. Hell I might be a Navy Seal but I would get on my hands and knees to beg for forgiveness from Kensi, my little sister.

"I know that you are, but it took you a year and only because I was on my death bed. I mean I can't believe you Sam, you are a Navy Seal for god's sake you should know better, he had proven himself the day he saved me from that room with the lasers. You and Callen both treated him like crap." He face is calm, but her voice is biting and her eyes venomous.

I stay silent, letting her cool down so that she doesn't do damage to her wounds. "Sam… it is okay, we will be okay. He has forgiven you and someday soon I will too, I just need more time." She turns back to and puts a hand over mine and smiles softly at me. I feel a great weight lift from my shoulders.

"Okay,"

"But I swear if you ever do that again you will have wished you were never born, got it." one look and I see that she is dead serious, no joking tone can be heard and I know that she means business.

"I swear by it, it will never happen again Kensi I promise you that." Kensi nods and the tension in her body seem to dissipate.

The quiet stretches on until Kensi speaks again, her eyes a tad bit teary, "I spoke to Deeks a few days ago."

"What? How? No one could get Bates to tell him that you were…" I trailed off, the vision of Kensi's blood dripping down my fingers and the slippery feeling invaded my mind.

"Apparently he woke up in the middle of the night and just knew. He called Nell and I had her give me the phone." She keeps her eyes downcast, looking at her hands. "He demanded to know what hospital I am in, but I couldn't tell him…but I wanted to."

I grab one of Kensi's hands, hoping that her eyes would advert to mine but they stayed were they were. She takes a deep breath while shaking her head, any trace of the federal agent from just moments ago were gone, now she was just Kensi.

"I wanted so badly to tell him…" then she looks up at me, her eyes no longer teary but hard and distant, much like when she got back from Afghanistan; Kensi Blye was putting her walls back up, and she was doing it quickly. I tried to think of a way to prevent her from hiding within herself after she began to open up, but I was at a loss; I didn't have the pushy personality that Nell did, and I wasn't her scruffy surfer. I was the one who let her wallow by herself since I met her, I was the one she went to when she needed to feel safe in the company of family…family… she was my family, my little sister.

"Kensi stop it." I say quickly before the last brick of that metaphorical wall can go up. Her eyebrows shoot up as she looks at me, her head tilted slightly. "We are your family Kensi, please let us help you."

"Sam…"

"No, you do not get to be stubborn Kensi right now, okay. You were shot, you are missing the man you love…" her eyes narrow and become prodding as she searches my face looking for something that wasn't there. Everyone knew how those two felt, I just wasn't one of the ones that she told. "I know you love him Kensi, and I know that you need him, hell I know that I needed Michelle when I went on tours, I know that I get worried when she is off on a case and I am not there to back her up. And I did what you are doing right now Kens, I shut everyone who wanted and could help me out and do you know what it got me?" she shrugs. "Restless nights, nightmares of her dying without me, and it was pure hell. And I know that you feel these things too, so please Kensi let me help you? Please." I begged, I needed the female agent to understand.

She was quiet for a few minutes and I watched every emotion known to man flash through her eyes and she looked at me, no doubt pondering the truth of my words. Finally her shoulders sagged and her face loosened. "Fine, but do not expect me to just start spilling my guts out Sam, no matter who you are that just isn't me."

"Okay, just if you ever need me, even if it is in the middle of the night you call me and I will come, you are family Kensi, never forget that."

"I won't."

A knock sounds from the door and Callen sticks his head in. "Hey, can I have a minute?" I look over at Kensi and see a flash of what I think is embarrassment flash through her eyes but it is quickly gone. "Of course," I lean down and kiss her forehead. "Remember," I say as I walk away.

"So long as you remember." I nod to her and Callen before exiting the tense room.

**Callen's P.O.V**

I watch the exchange of words between Sam and Kensi, wondering what it was about, but I learned my lesson from Nell; mind my own damn business especially when it is the female agent. When Sam is gone I take the seat he left open and sit, I notice we are both avoiding eye contact at all costs.

"Nell told you didn't she?"

"Yes," he face expresses no emotion and her voice is monotone, her eyes gave me nothing.

"I am sorry Kens, I know I shouldn't have but…."

"But what G? what gave you the right, it may have been just sitting there but it was not for you to read." She finally looks over at me and I see embarrassment and just a bit of anger. "I never would have thought that you would do such a thing, at least you had a reason when I was being accused of murder, but this time… no reason."

I drop my head into my hands as I speak. "I know Kensi, I am so sorry, I know that I shouldn't have read it, but…"

"No buts G." she whispers angrily.

"No buts," I nod and look up at her, my eye silently pleading with her to forgive me. "I am so, so sorry Kensi."

Her jaw clenches as the minutes silently drag on until finally she speaks. "I forgive you G, besides I am more embarrassed than angry anyway."

"Why? I mean it was quiet moving if I may say, something like that you shouldn't be embarrassed." I say honestly.

"Because no one but Nell knows I do that, it is like a nervous tick that I have had since a child, I write the first thing to pop into my head." She shrugs. "No one has ever really read any ever so it is weird having someone who read one."

"Kensi, we all have nervous ticks, hell I take apart a toaster and obsessively practice Russian," I chuckle finally getting a smile from her. "Ah there is that smile, we have all missed it." I say.

"Yea, these last few months kind of sucked and it doesn't seem like they are going to get any better. You have no idea how much I despise LAPD right now."

Her fist clench along with her jaw, and I am a bit shocked that she was even talking to me about this but who am I to question her wanting to talk. "We all hate them right now, even more so when Bates stonewalled us, but at least you got to talk to him." I watch her eyes slid close and a small smile touch her lips. "Look Kensi… when you get better and if Deeks isn't back I want us to… you know hang out more to get your mind out of the funk that it has been in these past two months."

She turns to look at me her eyes questioning her head tilted. "Yea that sounds like a good idea, I could definitely use it, I feel kind of bad for Nell. She was the only one that I called over the last two months, I am surprised that she isn't sick of me yet." Her voice was laced with deep self-loathing.

"Hey, trust me, Nell is the most worried and that is saying something because everyone is worried about you Kensi. I know you haven't been sleeping and you have stopped eating ten pounds of sugar a day, but do not worry, we are all hear for you, for whenever you need us."

Kensi reaches out and grabs my hand and squeezes, she was smiling but her eyes were sad, "I know that now, I just needed time to accept that he will be gone for a while. I hate him being gone when so many things are left unsaid."

I nod. "And I know that I wouldn't mind reading some more of your clippings, I was really impressed by the one that I read." I say as I watch her eyelids slowly drop close.

"Hmmm, I will think… about it G." and just like that she is asleep. I stand up and place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Goodnight Kens." I whisper before I stand up straight and silently leave. Sam has left but Hetty it standing by the door. "Hetty, she is asleep."

"That is quiet alright Mr. Callen, I am merely here to sit with her so that she is not alone when she wakes up."

"Did she talk with you too?"

She nods. "Yes, it seems Ms. Blye was quiet angry with what happened with the White Ghost assignment, she still is, but now that I told her the truth I hope she will forgive me." She is staring intently at Kensi's door. I place a hand on her shoulder.

"I am sure that she will. I think that in the coming months we will see the side of Kensi that only Deeks and Nell have seen. I just hope that we can help her get through this."

"She will Mr. Callen."

"How can you be so sure?" she turns to look at me with a small smile.

"Because Mr. Deeks will be home eventually, but that is not without saying, these next few months will be extremely hard on Ms. Blye, but now that she has taken the step to letting us in we will be able to help her cope." With that she walks into Kensi's room silent as the ninja that she is and disappears from sight.

I sigh as I walk out of the hospital. I can't help but wonder what kind of woman that Kensi Blye really is, all I really know is that she is a remarkable agent but that is at work, I don't really know who she is away from it. I will admit there was a time I thought that maybe Kensi would have been more, but today I see her as my sister only, so that means that I will do everything within my power to make her feel loved while the man who loves her unconditionally is away.

Stepping into the cool night air I take a deep breath and begin to think of things to do once Kensi is healed that will take her mind off of Deeks.


	12. Letting Go of the Past

**So here is the new chapter, I know it was a bit of a wait but I finished a chapter finally. **

**It finally happened! No more games, but the wait for a new ep. Is a slow agonizing wait…..or is it just me?**

**I still want to see more of Julia this season.**

**In other news this story has over a hundred reviews, and that blows my mind so thank you to all who read and review, you guys are the best.**

**I do not own anything**

**Letting Go of the Past**

Chapter 12

**Nell's P.O.V**

_One week later_

I pushed a grumbling Kensi in a wheelchair to the front entrance where Callen was waiting with Kensi's SRX. When I had told Kensi that I was going to be staying with her I was expecting her to tell me no flat out but she was rather open to the idea saying that it would be nice to have her even though she was going to be taking care of a crippled female agent.

"Kens it is just a wheelchair for a few moments, it's not like the thing will harm you." I say with sarcasm.

"I do not care, I hate sitting in these things, I mean my legs weren't injured…"

"No but you were, your lung is still healing." I say softly yet firmly making the female agent go silent. Walking outside I see G leaning against the SRX with a smile on his face. I can feel his sharp blue eyes boring holes into me as I look at Kensi; her eyes were closed and her face turned toward the sun and a small bit of sadness coloring her features, she didn't seem to acknowledge that G was staring at me very intently. So intently that I felt myself start to blush and advert my eyes from him.

"Alright up you go Kens," G said shaking Kensi from her trance as he held his hands out for her to take. It took several minutes to get her comfortable, you know having two bullet holes can make getting comfortable kind of hard, but eventually we all got in the vehicle. Callen had dropped his car off at Kensi's so that was where I pointed the SUV. Every now and then I looked in the rearview mirror to look at her, it almost seemed as if she was in a trance like state and wasn't planning on waking up any time soon.

"Oh hey Kensi," Callen speaks getting a grunt of acknowledgment from her signaling that he should speak. "I found where Monty was being held and I picked him up and brought him to your place," I glance and see a huge smile on her face as she continues to look out the window. "I figured you would want him close, and that he wouldn't want to be stuck at the dog hotel for that long."

"Thank you G, really."

The rest of the ride is driven in silence. I stop at a burger joint and pick up enough food for the three of us and head to Kensi's apartment. If Kensi hadn't obsessively cleaned her apartment I would have taken her to my place but at the moment hers was far cleaner than mine; shocker I know.

It takes a few minutes to get her out of the car inside and then to the couch, she had to stop several times to catch her breath, a collapsed lung can be a real bitch sometimes. I could tell that she was frustrated with herself, with her body, so me and G both kept silent, just stopping with her and lending ourselves as crutches when needed.

When she was finally situated on the couch Monty came and jumped up beside her. "Careful Monty," Kensi whimpered causing the dog to reel back and simply lay his head on her thigh.

"Here is your burger and your pain pills," G said handing her the burger but she pushed the pills away. "Are you sure?"

"At the moment the pain is manageable I will be fine."

We turned the TV on to the game and small talk was passed between the three of us, more me and G, but Kensi butted in every now and then. A few hours later I walk G to the door and tell him goodnight and watch him walk to his car. He turns when he reaches his car and smiles back at me making my cheeks flush red.

I walk back inside when his car is gone from sight and take a seat next to Kensi who is staring off into space as she strokes the dogs' head. I lightly bump your shoulder. "Penny for your thoughts?"

She turns to me with a timid smile, "I want to ask you to help me with something, something I should have done a long time ago."

"Anything Kens, that is why I am here."

"There is a box in my closet with Jack's name on it, can you…um can you grab it and bring it to me please?" I see her try and hide her embarrassment but I lightly touch her arm and smile.

"Of course, I will be right back." I get up and walk to Kensi's room and go to her closet. Sure enough right there on a shelf in her closet is a lone box with Jack written in Kensi's slanted writing. I grab it and note that it wasn't heavy but it wasn't light either. I take it to where I left Kensi on the couch and set it on the table that she cleared.

"Umm, do you want me to leave you to it or…" she shakes her head and pats the cushion next to her.

"No, I don't want to do this alone, please stay?" I nod and sit next to her.

I watch as she opens the box with a crumbling stoic face as she grabs the first item; a photo of her and a tall man with black hair, clean shaven and brown eyes, basically the polar opposite of Deeks. I hear her chuckle before she speaks. "They are so different Nell, both in looks and personality. You know Jack he umm… I know he loved me, but I don't think he loved me in the same way Deeks does." Kensi's fingers ghost over Jack's face, she sheds no tears. "He would never look at me the same way Deeks does, especially in the umm," I see her blush slightly. "In the bedroom, with Jack it was all about him… he didn't umm…"

"It is okay Kensi speak, I'm not here to judge remember." I say as I lean my head on her shoulder in a show of support.

"He didn't look at me the way Deeks did," she whispers. "There times when Jack got rough… and not in a good way, there were times when I didn't really want to have sex with Jack but I never said no. it just felt different I guess with Deeks. That night, before I was reassigned he asked me…" she took a deep breath before continuing, her voice slightly shaky. "He asked me if I had ever made love with someone, and I wanted to say yes because hell I was engaged to Jack, but I knew it wasn't the same. He actually looked mad that I hadn't, not at me but at Jack."

She puts the photo back in the box. I think back on her words and I have to admit I was shocked, a woman a beautiful as Kensi never making love to someone, not even her own fiancé, it just baffled me. But on the same taken I knew that Deeks was far different from the men Kensi used to sleep with, he was genuinely in love with her. Kensi reaches back into the box pulling out a weathered book with the words _Crucible _written in gold on the spine.

"His favorite book, I tried reading it, but it was so damn boring." I laugh with Kensi as the tears from the previous story fade away into nothing. I look over into the box and it is merely an assortment of nick-knacks that have gathered much dust over the years. "It is all the stuff I just couldn't part with after he left, so I packed it up and put it in the back of every closet I have had over the years."

"Why did you want me to bring it to you Kens?" I ask, truly curious as to what her intentions towards this box were.

She puts the book back in the box and turns to me. "I want you to donate this tomorrow." She says looking me in the eye seemingly begging me to understand why, but you know me, curious as cat.

"Why?"

"Because I no longer need this crutch," she says motioning towards the box. "I used Jack's leaving as an excuse as to why all attempts at a relationship failed, but I know that this, whatever this is with Deeks… it is permanent, it is the real deal, so I no longer need the crutch." She pushes the box away to make her point, and I know her well enough to not argue, once she has made up her mind there is no changing it.

So I stand up and take the box to the door and set it down next to it. "I'm going to walk Monty Kens, do you need anything?" At the word walk Monty jumps from the couch and goes to fetch his leash.

"Uh yea, can you help me get to my room, all that walking has worn me out." I nod and move to gently help her stand up and walk to her room; the whole way thinking that it should be Deeks helping her to her room…well that isn't entirely true, if Deeks were here this wouldn't have happened to begin with. I slowly lower her to her bed and ask if she needs anything. "Could you bring me a glass of water and my notepad?" I can see that she hates this, hates relying on me to do things that she normally would be able to do.

"Of course." I quickly acquire the items and walk back into the room, setting the glass down on the nightstand along with the notepad. She replies with a softly spoken thank you as her eyes slowly close.

I slip out and hook Monty to his leash and walk out into the cool winter air, well as cool as it can get in LA. I think about all that has happened in the nearing three months since Deeks has been gone. I watched as she pulled back from everyone, even me to a point, then I watched, while up in OPS, as Kensi fell to the floor two bullet holes in her chest, and then again watched as she slowly opened up to me again and to the others as well.

But even through all of that I could still see the fear in her eyes, the fear that he won't make it home, that something will happen to change his mind. And really I can't blame her because every time one of them took a step forward something awful happened. So as I was Monty I hope and pray that my best friend gets the guy, because if anyone deserved a happy ending it was Kensi. She was even letting go of the crutch she used for years, that itself spoke volumes that she was more than ready, that she needed this.

I can't help but wonder how much she needed this? I watched as Kensi changed over the years, a change that started shortly before I arrived, but I still saw it. She wasn't afraid to show her soft side to Deeks when she thinks no one is looking. And eventually that extended to me after she showed up at more door drunk. I felt my chest ache for her and all that she has been through, she didn't deserve anymore heartache, she really didn't.

**Leave a review if you desire.**

**-A. Grayson**


	13. Not a Threat, a Promise

**Oh how I love writing an angry Kensi. Well here is the next chapter of Solitude.**

**Enjoy and please review I love reading them.**

**Not a Threat, a Promise**

Chapter 13

**Nell's P.O.V**

The next day I take the box of Jack's items and head to the closest donation store and drop it off. I quickly head back to Kensi's so that I know that she is not alone. When I walk through the door I see her sitting on the couch staring blankly at the screen, whether she is reliving a memory from her past or just trying to manage the pain is beyond me. So I simply move to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, knowing that she needs to eat and regain a bit of the weight she lost in the last few months.

This routine continues on for several weeks, me making breakfast then sitting down and talking with Kensi about anything and everything under the sun but never once talking about Deeks and his undercover assignment.

When she is fit to return to work, on desk duty mind you, we leave together and walk into the Mission. I watch from the top of the stairs as she walks over to her desk but her eyes never leave Deeks' desk, it was almost as if she were wishing that he would appear and make her laugh, but that wouldn't be the case, not for a while. I sigh and turn around and run into Callen whose arms keep me from falling backwards and down the stairs.

"Oh jeez sorry Nell," he says letting go of me and stepping back a bit.

"It is alright, how have things been running here without me?" I ask with a smile.

"Oh you know I think that Eric had a little trouble holding down the fort by himself," he says with a smirk but then his face takes on a serious set. "How is she, I mean we haven't seen her since she was shot really."

I look back and see her face buried in paperwork, so I walk to where we are not visible to the bullpen. "She is…better. We talked a lot while she was recovering but never once did we talk about Deeks'. She had a few nightmares, but I suspect that there were more than I am aware of because every now and then she would come out of her room looking like death had warmed over."

Callen looks at me worriedly. "No more calls from Deeks?" I shake my head, another month as passed since his last phone call while she was in the hospital. Callen holds up the file that was in his hand.

"What is that?"

"All of the information on the case that Deeks is working on, Eric obtained the rest while you were with Kensi; at least we know that his alias isn't Max Gentry."

I sigh when he says that, if Deeks was under as Max I would have worried about Kensi finding out that bit of information. "Well at least there is some good news."

"True but the bad news might just temper the good…" he trails off.

"What bad news?"

"Bates found out we were looking into the case and now he is furious and is waiting at the boatshed."

"Does Hetty know?" he shakes his head.

"I do not know but it is Hetty we can assume that she knows, do you think that Kensi is healed enough to handle this?"

"She will be fine Mr. Callen," Hetty says making me jump clean out of my own skin as she comes up behind us. "I have tried to talk sense into that man but have gotten nowhere, but perhaps Kensi can persuade him to take our offer of help on the case."

"Are you sure that is wise Hetty?" I ask. "I mean the man hates Kensi almost as much as he hates Deeks."

"I am sure Ms. Jones, now all of you go,"

"What about Eric?"

"Mr. Beale is assisting another team on a case at the moment, but is still gathering information on the people involved with Mr. Deeks' case, go now all of you." with that she turns to head to OPS.

"Well let us go shall we," Callen says as he walks down to the bullpen. "Sam, Kensi, to the boatshed."

"But G, we don't have a case and Kensi can't work,"

"Hey!" she says as she turns to Sam who merely shrugs.

"Not a case, Bates. He is at the boatshed thinking he is going to tear us a new one for looking into Deeks' case." I say as I keep my eyes trained on Kensi, and sure enough at the mention of Bates I see her eyes harden and her fists clench tightly. Without a word she stands up and tosses me her keys and disappears. "Well I guess we will meet you there, better hurry because even injured I don't think I can restrain an angry Blye."

I quickly run after Kensi who is waiting by her locked SRX looking ready to strangle Bates. We get in and I can almost feel the tension radiating off of her. "Look Kensi I know you are mad at him, but…."

"No," she says her voice eerily calm. "I won't physically hurt the man, no matter how much I may wish too. But I will not let this go, I was shot and I needed my partner but just because he doesn't like the fact that Deeks is loyal to us and not him he kept it to himself. So I have every right to be angry at him."

With that she reverts back to the silent Kensi from a month ago before she was shot. I drive slowly hoping that Sam and Callen get there before us and I thank everything when I see the black Challenger in the parking lot next to what I can only assume is Bate's car.

Kensi is out of the car before it is even parked and on her way to the door.

* * *

><p><strong>Callen's P.O.V<strong>

Sam and I walk through the door of the boatshed a few minutes before Nell and Kensi and are greeted with an overly pissed off Bates. As soon as he sees us he is up and about to speak when I cut him off.

"Save it Bates, we are not here to talk to you, just to make sure you don't get the shit beat out of you when she shows up." I say walking over to grab a water and seat waiting for the inevitable blow up between Bates and Kensi.

"No I will not 'save it' I…." but Sam interrupts.

"Shut it, just as he told you, we are not here to talk to you." and with that Sam sits and crosses his arms and glares at Bates, who seems to understand that we will not be talking with him about this.

A few minutes later the door swings open and a…well a very angry Kensi walks in with Nell having to run to keep up with her. She doesn't speak, Bates doesn't speak they just stand off at opposite sides of the table.

"You and your team have some nerve impeding on my investigation…"

"I don't give a rats ass Bates," Kensi growled and if I wasn't a trained investigator I would have missed the subtle flinch in Bates' muscle. "Tell me why it just had to be Deeks?"

"Because he is the best…"

"Bullshit, you have others who are just as good at undercover work as he is, so give me the real reasons…" silence. "Well go on Bates I dare you." When he doesn't speak Kensi walks around the table every muscle in her body poised to strike. Sam and I move closer to her to keep her from attacking the man. "Come on Bates don't tell me you aren't man enough to tell me the truth." She taunts.

And that spurs the man into action. "Because working with you has made him weak, he needs to realize that his loyalties are with me not with NCIS…not with you." he spits while looking her up and down. "You Agent Blye have made my best detective weak, so I sent him on this mission to knock some sense into his head."

"Oh you did that alright. He will never forgive you for not telling him I was shot, shot Bates, I died three times and you didn't think it was prevalent to tell him that his partner might die!" She took another step threateningly towards Bates and he took a step back. "He now knows that your loyalty is not with him and yet you all but demand his. You know what that makes you? A hypocrite Bates." He goes to speak but she cuts him off. "So we will work this case to make sure that he doesn't die because of your stupidity."

She stares at Bates until he grunts in distaste and begins walking towards the door but Kensi's voice stops him. "Oh and Bates, if he dies, it won't be my fault, it will be yours, and if that does happen you had better watch your back."

He turns around his face contorted with anger. "Was that a threat Agent Blye?" I see her face become calm and her voice shakes me near the core, sounding nothing like the Kensi i knew and though of as a sister, this version of her scared me a little, I will not lie.

"No," her voice calm and threatening. "That Bates is a promise."

**-A. Grayson**


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